BLOG 2: The STREETWISE Bootcamp-BLOG series
You must read Blog 1 previously featured in this series, to give context to the rest of the STREETWISE Bootcamp-Blog series.
MOST IMPORTANT PRACTICAL ADVICE I CAN PROVIDE YOU WITH FOR
CO-PARENTING with a Toxic or Narcissist CO-PARENT is:
Strategy! Strategy! Strategy!
And the RIGHT strategy!
(Toxic or Narcissist CO-PARENT hereafter will be referred to as “TONC”)
Why?
Why? Because it is a toxic landscape of minefields, you must know the path forward to avoid hurtful explosions and limit collateral damage to yourself or your children when it comes to co-parenting with a TONC.
A Mind- shifting Exercise for you:
Think of the 2 most different kinds of people as the 2 most opposite countries in the world for example Switzerland and Russia, when it comes to matters of war:
- Switzerland is viewed by many as neutral and the country of Chocolates and Heidi. Mediation and discussion between Switzerland and your country in times of war, will most properly prevent war and create a better understanding between the countries.
- On the other hand, if Russia is already attacking your country, the chocolate and -Heidi approach of Switzerland will not have much effect as a resolution or a defence mechanism against the attack.If war is declared by Switzerland or Russia against your country (which, is you), you can NOT defend or approach the 2 very different countries the same way, without causing lots of injuries. You must have the right strategy for the country where the attack is coming from. The same applies to co-parenting with a TONC, you cannot apply the same strategy to deal with them as you will usually deal with other people.PS: Remember, YOU and your behaviour cannot change a narcissist or a toxic person!
THE GAME- PLAN FOR
CO-PARENTING WITH A TONC.
Reality & encouragement cubes:
- The following is an important moment of truth and an unwelcome truth! Unless of course, you have a court order that states otherwise, you cannot wish the Toxic or Narcistic Co-parent (hereafter referred to as the “TONC”) away- make peace with the fact that you must co-parent with the TONC, face the music, and rather pour your energy into a strategy.
- The good news is that in most countries a Parenting Plan is not applicable when the child turns 18 years old and is then considered, to be an adult. South Africa is one of them. That means that there is an end to the Parenting Plan, and it will not, therefore, be until eternity!
- The most difficult part of co-parenting with a TONC is usually up to the early years of High School, thereafter, will the child’s voice be much more significant according to The Children’s Act and they are usually more able to voice their needs, which can aid in dealing with the TONC.
- If you and the TONC have agreed to appoint a mediator or parenting coordinator to mediate unresolved disputes between you, do your homework first on who to choose before the appointment will been made. It should be a person with suitable experience to deal with a TONC mediation/parenting coordination, as it is most of the time a very challenging kind of mediation. Furthermore, are skills and great insight required by the mediator/parenting coordinator to mediate these kinds of disputes. If this person can combine this knowledge with family and commercial law, it will be a virtue.
- Lastly, if you do not have a parenting plan yet, find yourself an attorney to assist you who specializes in this area of the TONC.
THE STRATEGY:
“Remember, you are not dealing with Heidi – and chocolate- people but with the TONC.”!
- Reliability is usually not a strong feature of the TONC.
Train and educate your child/children according to age appropriateness to be independent as much as possible. It will add to their self-confidence and take anxiety off your co-parenting shoulders.
Examples:
- To make a sandwich or own lunch box;
- To carry a fixed list with clothes to be packed in going to the other parent or coming back with tick boxes;
- To catch a bus if safety is not an issue;
- To do homework etc
- Do not engage in unnecessary conflict with the TONC and limit communication to the absolute minimum.
Adopt a business attitude toward co-parenting. It is what is best for the children and what will make their young lives work like clockwork. Don’t win the battle but lose the war. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Therefore, you must communicate with strategy and implement the following pointers on your pathway through the landmines:
2.1. Remember always to conduct your communication with the TONC mindfully and with respect.
Negative communication may be used against you and shown to the children, the parenting coordinator/mediator, or the court. Anything negative in writing or orally and on social media can be interpreted as bad parenting. Do not vent in communication and do not fall into the trap to do so. Keep your side clean. This is gold.
2.2. Keep your communication short.
Avoid responding to issues that are not about the children. Stick to factual arrangements and do not get hooked into over-communication. Do not respond to insults or hurt feelings, remember, be business-like. You already have the T-shirt with trying to obtain empathy, love, and understanding from the TONC without success. He has not changed and do not waste energy on it.
2.3. Do not involve the children in your communication unless they can communicate directly with the TONC in a manner where they are not get negatively affected.
2.4. Re-establish your boundaries and claim your privacy back from the TONC. Remove the TONC from all your social media platforms and other areas where you are exposed.
2.5. Re-think who you can trust to share your problems concerning the
Think twice to share information. Most people have a limited understanding of what you must deal with. It is usually someone that went through it themselves or some professionals. Furthermore, be cautious to share friends and circles with the TONC due to their nature of playing the victim.
3. Work with clock – times for picking up or dropping off the children to avoid “misunderstandings”.
Try to avoid direct contact with the TONC if possible. A very good idea is to have handovers of the children at school where the dropping off and picking up is alternated-zero contact with each other.
4. It can be tough to co-parent with a TONC and you will mostly not find the understanding and empathy from the people around you.
Most people have no idea of the rollercoaster a parent must ride with a TONC! At the best of times, the situations playing out sound bizarre or childish to other normal parents. Spoil yourself with support from the help-profession who are equipped in this specific field. Furthermore, do RISE AND RADIATE LIFE COACHING provides tailor-made streetwise boot camp- sessions to deal with your unique situation concerning your TONC and equip you with the necessary life-kit skills.
Lastly, if you are a mother or father co-parenting with a TONC. You can do this!
Remember, the parenting plan is not a lifelong regime, it expires at the child’s age of 18. Focus to enjoy your child and teach them life- skills for the remaining years of the Parenting Plan. Do not allow the TONC to steal those precious times from you! Your child will not be a child forever and will one day fly out of the nest as an adult.
Make memories with your child and have no regrets!
Rise and Radiate!
Once you rise and radiate, you can radiate the love and goodness of God to others!
Blessings
Coach Mimi
To book any consultation,
please make a booking via the website: riseandradiatelifecoaching.co.za
Or via email: mimi@riseandradiatelifecoaching.co.za
Or WhatsApp-text: +27 82 464 8701
Rise and Radiate!
Next Blog – nr 3: “Being in divorce proceedings with a narcissist and toxic person”. |
3 Definitions:
- Narcissist:
Definition according to the WebMD Editorial Contributors-article
Medically Reviewed by Dr. Dan Brennan, MD on December 02, 2020
- Narcissism is extreme self-involvement to the degree that it makes a person ignore the needs of those around them. While everyone may show occasional narcissistic behaviour, true narcissists frequently disregard others or their feelings. They also do not understand their behaviour’s effect on other people.
- It’s important to note that narcissism is a trait, but it can also be a part of a larger personality disorder. Not every narcissist has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), as narcissism is a spectrum. People who are at the highest end of the spectrum are those that are classified as NPD, but others, still with narcissistic traits, may fall on the lower end of the narcissistic spectrum.
- People who show signs of narcissism can often be very charming and charismatic. They often don’t show negative behaviour right away, especially in relationships. People who show narcissism often like to surround themselves with people who feed into their egos. They build relationships to reinforce their ideas about themselves, even if these relationships are superficial.
- Definition of a Toxic person by Gary Thomas, author of “When to walk away”: “ The challenge is that there’s no one exhaustive definition of a toxic person. Certain traits are common:
- They are often ruled by selfishness and spite.
- They are usually draining instead of encouraging, and they use people instead of encouraging them.
- They are often seemingly addicted to self-righteous, rash judgments and thus frequently fight with people instead of enjoying and appreciating people.
- They may be jealous of healthy people’s peace, family and friendships and spend much of their time and effort trying to bring people down to their level of misery rather than blessing others with joy and encouragement.
- They often want to control you and it may feel as if they just want you to stop being you.”
3. Love bombing:
Definition By Barbara Field, Published in Verywellmind on April 13, 2022, Medically reviewed by
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
“What Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing occurs when someone “bombs” you with extreme displays of attention and affection.
Although it can be a positive aspect at the beginning of a romantic relationship, it can lead to gaslighting and abuse. Psychologists caution it might be a manipulative tactic by a narcissist or sociopath in an attempt to control you.
Why Love Bombing May Become Dangerous
Love bombing often takes place at the onset of a relationship. At the beginning of getting to know each other, you might view this person as charming and
especially attentive. This person will praise you effusively, tell you they adore you, and often seem to emotionally attach way too quickly.
If you find yourself telling your friends your partner seems too good to be true, they just might be.
Love bombing also happens with couples after they have a big fight or break up. There’s nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance, but if someone belittles you, then begs for forgiveness, promises it will never happen again, and offers overly grand gestures, like sending you five dozen roses to show how sorry they are, be cautious.
Especially common in cases of domestic violence, the abuser will inflict abuse, reiterate how much they love you, and employ dramatic tactics to get in your good graces again to keep you in the relationship. The danger is that the abuser needs control and the same cycle repeats. They don’t change their abusive behaviour and you might be in harm’s way.
Stages of Being Love-Bombed
Let’s take a look at the stages of love bombing.
Idealization
Love bombers sweep you off your feet. It’s nice to be flooded with dopamine, the feel-good chemical your brain releases. As Dr. Amy E. Keller, PsyD, MFT points out, “it feels great when a new potential love interest starts sexting you or bombards you with texts, calls, and flowers.”
But a common sign of a love bomber: is they don’t do anything halfway. During the first phase, there is an idealization. They seem to put you on a pedestal. This can seem flattering, but they idealize you too quickly. Everything seems to happen too quickly.
Devaluation
One of the telling signs of being love-bombed occurs during the second phase, the devaluation stage. Your partner alternates between being kind one minute and cruel the next. They’re savvy enough to be loving in public so that others think they’re great. But they turn abusive, especially in private.
These individuals are amazingly adept at finding those who are vulnerable. For example, they’ll prey on those who just got divorced, recently broke up with someone, or have low self-esteem.
In the first study1 to empirically analyse love bombing behaviours, researchers found a correlation between love bombing and narcissism, insecure attachment style, and low self-esteem using a sample group of 484 college students.”