Narcissist/ Toxic people: The STREETWISE Bootcamp-BLOG series- Being in divorce proceedings with a narcissist and toxic person!

BLOG 3: The STREETWISE Bootcamp-BLOG series

(Please read Blog 1, previously featured in this series, to give context to the rest of the STREETWISE Bootcamp-Blog series.)

 

THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE I CAN PROVIDE YOU WITH IS THIS:

WHEN BEING IN DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS WITH A NARCISSIST/TOXIC PERSON:(NARCISSIST/TOXIC PERSON will hereafter be referred to as an “NTP”)

Choose the right legal representation and support before you start with divorce proceedings against aNTP”!

This is first and foremost, the most important decision that will influence your immediate future, going forward!

Why?

Because when you enter the litigation ring with an NTP, you require the guidance and leadership of a pro in the field of Family and relevant Commercial law, who are seasoned in the arena of Narcissists and Toxic people. Furthermore, you must keep your eye on your legal costs! Never lose sight of your legal bill.

 

PS: Remember, YOU and your behaviour cannot change a narcissist or a toxic person!

 

THE FOLLOWING ARE VITAL POINTERS THAT YOU MUST KEEP IN MIND AT ALL TIMES WITH divorce proceedings with an NTP.

 

  1. LEGAL COSTS:

1.1.    Ask your attorney for a copy of their Fee Structure and Mandate, and take cognisance of the costs.

1.2.   Ask for monthly bills and check the bill out monthly like you would check your bank statement- it is called being responsible.

1.3.   You will be billed for everything from a WhatsApp message to a phone call or email. Be wise with making them because if you are going to act like a loose cannon with your WhatsApp messages, phone calls, or emails to your attorney, you will reap the harvest which will be a shocking amount on your bill and it would have been self-inflicted.

1.4.   Your attorney must request a contribution to your legal costs beforehand via legal proceedings from the NTP” if you are not able to pay. Please note that it is likely that you will be responsible for at least some of the legal costs even if you should receive such a contribution.

1.5.   Litigation is expensive. Sometimes there is a point in time in some cases, that you must weigh the possible outcome of your case namely:

1.5.1.   fewer finances and your freedom on the one side or

1.5.2.   more monstrous legal costs and a slim hope of receiving more finances on the other side.

1.6.   If your NTP is not paying maintenance of playing games with it while busy with the legal process, inform your attorney to apply for an Interim-Maintenance Order! Remember this order is valid until the day that the Divorce Order is granted in court unless it is changed by another court order. Furthermore, remember this Order.

 

2. STAY INVOLVED AND DO NOT TUNE OUT:

2.1.   Your attorney is not your psychologist, buddy, or saviour. They must focus on the law and utilize their energy to manage your challenging case with the Rather obtain the services of a narcissist- life coach as provided by Rise and Radiating Life Coaching or a psychologist to support you in the other areas separately.

2.2.   Trust your discernment and gut. If you do not feel comfortable or disagree with the service/advice of any of the assistances that you might receive on any level by anybody, feel free to gather a second opinion or instruct someone else.

 

3. KEEP RECORD:

3.1.   This is very important and will help you create structure in your legal process for yourself and not feel overwhelmed

3.2.   Open a file for “Correspondence “to and from your attorney and anyone else involved in your matter.

3.3.   Open a file for all “court orders”

3.4.   Open a file for all “Reports” from experts and persons involved.

3.5.   Open a file for all your other court documents like Summons, Pleadings, etc.

3.6.   Print out all your WhatsApp and photos and file them.

3.7.   Keep a file of your Bills.

3.8.   Keep all these files away from your children as it is not age-appropriate.

 

4. MAKE A TIMELINE BEFORE YOU SEE YOUR ATTORNEY

4.1.   Make a Timeline from the beginning of the events to the last possible date.

4.2.   The timeline is a chronicled timeline of the dates and the events that have taken place in your matter that amounted to the legal problem.

4.3.   Take time with this as a timeline as it triggers your memory and aid with providing the information that needs to be filled in and will assist your case.

4.4.   This timeline will also assist you with ordering your thoughts and with the consultation with your attorney when discussing your matter. It is very helpful to provide your attorney with a copy of your timeline.

 

5. MEDIATION:

5.1.   The Court Rules make mediation of a matter before litigation compulsory and there is no way around that, except in Urgent Matters (your attorney will advise on that).

5.2.   BUT if mediation is unsuccessful, the mediator will issue a certificate that it was unsuccessful. An NTP is on average usually not the best candidate for mediation, so if they are just using it as another opportunity to play games with you, your attorney must advise you when to pull the plug of a never-ending circle, that will just be wasting time, money and your sanity.

 

PS: Just remember there is life after divorce and you CAN create your own, new happier future. There are new horizons to explore, new jobs and career opportunities, healing and growth, and new people to meet.

 

MATTHEW 19: 16-26 “ With men, it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible.”

 

 

Rise and Radiate!

Once you rise and radiate, you can radiate the love and goodness of God to others!

 

Blessings

Coach Mimi

To book any consultation,

please make a booking via the website:               riseandradiatelifecoaching.co.za

Or via email:                                                                      mimi@riseandradiatelifecoaching.co.za

Or WhatsApp-text:                                                         +27 82 464 8701

 Rise and Radiate!

Next Blog nr 4: “To cope with responsibilities independently, without the Toxic person or Narcissist

 

Definitions:

       1) Narcissist:

Definition according to the WebMD Editorial Contributors-article

Medically Reviewed by Dr. Dan Brennan, MD on December 02, 2020

 

  1. Narcissism is extreme self-involvement to the degree that it makes a person ignore the needs of those around them. While everyone may show occasional narcissistic behaviour, true narcissists frequently disregard others or their feelings. They also do not understand their behaviour’s effect on other people.

 

        2. It’s important to note that narcissism is a trait, but it can also be a part of a larger personality disorder. Not every narcissist has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), as narcissism is a spectrum. People who are at the highest end of the spectrum are those that are classified as NPD, but others, still with narcissistic traits, may fall on the lower end of the narcissistic spectrum.

 

       3. People who show signs of narcissism can often be very charming and charismatic. They often don’t show negative behaviour right away, especially in relationships. People who show narcissism often like to surround themselves with people who feed into their egos. They build relationships to reinforce their ideas about themselves, even if these relationships are superficial.

 

2) Definition of a Toxic person by Gary Thomas, author of “When to walk away”: “ The challenge is that there’s no one exhaustive definition of a toxic person. Certain traits are common:

  1.          They are often ruled by selfishness and spite.
  2.          They are usually draining instead of encouraging, and they use people instead of encouraging them.
  3.          They are often seemingly addicted to self-righteous, rash judgments and thus frequently fight with people instead of enjoying and appreciating people.
  4.          They may be jealous of healthy people’s peace, family and friendships and spend much of their time and effort trying to bring people down to their level of misery rather than blessing others with joy and encouragement.
  5.         They often want to control you and it may feel as if they just want you to stop being you.”

 

      3) Love bombing:

Definition By Barbara Field, Published in Verywellmind on April 13, 2022, Medically reviewed by

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

What Is Love Bombing?

Love bombing occurs when someone “bombs” you with extreme displays of attention and affection.

Although it can be a positive aspect at the beginning of a romantic relationship, it can lead to gaslighting and abuse. Psychologists caution it might be a manipulative tactic by a narcissist or sociopath in an attempt to control you.

Why Love Bombing May Become Dangerous

Love bombing often takes place at the onset of a relationship. At the beginning of getting to know each other, you might view this person as charming and especially attentive. This person will praise you effusively, tell you they adore you, and often seem to emotionally attach way too quickly.

If you find yourself telling your friends your partner seems too good to be true, they just might be.

Love bombing also happens with couples after they have a big fight or break up. There’s nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance, but if someone belittles you, then begs for forgiveness, promises it will never happen again, and offers overly grand gestures, like sending you five dozen roses to show how sorry they are, be cautious.

Especially common in cases of domestic violence, the abuser will inflict abuse, reiterate how much they love you, and employ dramatic tactics to get in your good graces again to keep you in the relationship. The danger is that the abuser needs control and the same cycle repeats. They don’t change their abusive behaviour and you might be in harm’s way.

Stages of Being Love-Bombed

 

Let’s take a look at the stages of love bombing.

 

Idealization

Love bombers sweep you off your feet. It’s nice to be flooded with dopamine, the feel-good chemical your brain releases. As Dr. Amy E. Keller, PsyD, MFT points out, “it feels great when a new potential love interest starts sexting you or bombards you with texts, calls, and flowers.”

But a common sign of a love bomber: is they don’t do anything halfway. During the first phase, there is an idealization. They seem to put you on a pedestal. This can seem flattering, but they idealize you too quickly. Everything seems to happen too quickly.

Devaluation

One of the telling signs of being love-bombed occurs during the second phase, the devaluation stage. Your partner alternates between being kind one minute and cruel the next. They’re savvy enough to be loving in public so that others think they’re great. But they turn abusive, especially in private.

These individuals are amazingly adept at finding those who are vulnerable. For example, they’ll prey on those who just got divorced, recently broke up with someone, or have low self-esteem.

In the first study1 to empirically analyze love bombing behaviours, researchers found a correlation between love bombing and narcissism, insecure attachment style, and low self-esteem using a sample group of 484 college students.”

 

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